For The Lovers...
I have loved and lost many times — eros, philia, agape, YOU NAME IT *Shirley Caesar voice*.
I’ve mourned my losses, licked my wounds, and retreated for cover in different ways each time. I thought I’d picked myself up, dusted myself off, ready to try again. But what I hadn’t realized until last year was that instead of finding the gold that kintsugi offers to make myself whole with beauty and peace, I mended myself with the black sludge of mistrust.
Chef Candice Kumai's latest book, "Kintsugi Wellness" taps into the Japanese art of nourishing mind, body and spirit in order to improve, accept and heal your life.
----
I’d learned how to keep people at an arm’s length away from my truest self; cloaked with the façade of friendliness — “he that hath friends must first show himself friendly”… right? It’s really no wonder why I was often mischaracterized as an extrovert; I’d learned that the best way to keep people away was to give them a sense of closeness.
I had to be expressive! An open book! Inviting! A great hostess! Jusssst enough exposure that made feel people think they knew me. Instead of holding bad friends accountable for their fair-weather presence, I accepted flakiness because it let me off the hook from being expected to give of myself fully to relationships. I got so good at it that it became part of my norm, operating undetected as a destructive coping mechanism. Yikes. This, I learned, is not love.
“Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.”
- James Baldwin, The Fire Next Time
This past year I’ve been re-learning about self-love, God’s love for me, and the love that I give and receive amongst friends and family. With the backdrop of life in Ecuador, life has unmasked this one important truth about loving and being loved:
Love is a commitment.
Now, these 4 words sound obvious — just ask my parents who've been married for almost 34 years and currently enjoying a Valentine's Day couple's cruise somewhere in Central America — but this past year has taught me to live it out, even in my singleness. I was still enraptured by the idea that love was mostly a whimsical feeling with a little bit of hard work; you know, just a little bit of dirt to make the story sound authentic. I called myself a hopeful romantic; I wrote poetry solely rooted in the drug of passion for people, places, and things. But love-as-commitment calls me to a deeper level of connection that requires steadfastness. I am called to stand firm in the highest of highs — when it's easy to get caught up, and the lowest of lows — when it's easy to give up. A committed love is a grounded love.
The 27-month commitment I made to the Peace Corps has kept me going through some of the roughest personal experiences of my entire life, because I am always thinking of how best to spend my time so that I can make sure my community feels like I am giving my best. I choose how and when to refill myself so that I can always be available when people need me, and I remain flexible in my schedule for last-minute changes. Here, love looks a lot like agility and veritable self-care. And I LOVE Ecuador.
This past Sunday, I led a training session for 12 leaders at a church looking to incorporate mental health, self-esteem and healthy decision-making with their children’s program. Using Rainbow Days methodology as well as a recent training I had with Girls Leading Our World (GLOW) & Boys Respecting Others (BRO), I am able to help equip adults in my community who want to engage better with the children in our town. This was a breakthrough moment for me — being able to present a new curriculum & build capacity amongst local leaders. Sustainability FTW! These are people with whom I have earned trust over the past year to equip and empower to become more effective in their goals. That’s the blessing that commitment brings: a slowly rising, but lasting fire that, when at its height, cannot be easily contained.
----
Commitment also requires having the hard conversations with friends who let you down, and to distance yourself from those who continuously reveal that you are not worth their time. Commitment calls people to a higher standard in how you treat them, and the kind of treatment you expect in return. This is not simply a transactional relationship; there is no dowry exchanged on your behalf for a chance at protection and the fleeting concept of erotic connection. It is a step towards owning your self-worth and holding yourself accountable to respecting the self-worth of others.
I had to say goodbye to a long-time friend recently who did not value my personhood. It has been really painful because I realized that even nostalgia or the hope of a future isn’t enough to mend present relationships that are holding on by a thread. I’d realized over time that this friend had no desire to be truthful to me, and when confronting the issues, I was met with resistance and eventually, complete disrespect. I finally made the call to walk away. This, too, is love because it reclaims my autonomy while leaving the door open for the other person to make amends if they ever become ready to return. Though this kind of love is complex & somewhat devastating, I’m learning to allow this experience to build my character, instead of unraveling my capability to trust others. To recover from this brokenness, I am choosing the golden salve of peace instead of the bitter, miry clay.
Quality time by the beach in Puerto Lopez, Manabí with PCV friends last week! Haley came down to train us in time for a GLOW/BRO camp that Lobo is leading in April!
---
So this Valentine’s Day — some people in Ecuador call it “Día de Amor y Amistad” — I am celebrating reclaimed love. I reflect on the commitment I’ve made to Ecuador (and all the times I've had to recommit myself throughout the experience!), the promises that God has made to me, and the dedication to true connection that I have with friends & family all around the world. This love may not always be accompanied with the whimsical feelings of drowning in waves of happiness, nor the drugged-up dreams of walking on cloud nine. But this grounded love — rooted in reality and faith — is worth it, because this love is accompanied by greater peace, unshakeable hope and deeper joy.
This is the lover I choose to be & the lovers I choose to receive.
☼
Really Good News: My last piece "Orgullosamente Negra, Orgullosamente Yo" was published over at Rise, a Christian Women's Collective last week! They are highlighting Black women writers this month, so I submitted it, took a leap of faith, and got accepted. Please go support & share it with someone. Thank you!
