La Senda de La Vida.

I have been in my thirties for two weeks now, and I have been reveling in my new decade. Yep, I'm officially a grown [redacted] woman *Beyoncé voice*. Nobody can really deny it now; my baby-face might still trip some folks up, but thankfully I'll get some relief from the whole "but you're so young!" mantra that everyone over 30 seems to enjoy telling 20-somethings when talking about literally anything (a habit that I will actively work to disengage now that I'm here on the other side, btw). Phenomenal woman, that's ME!

Many people have been asking "how does it feel?!" I made a joke last week and said, "It's definitely better than 25." Truth is, I am standing here only by the grace of God and the strength of Christ that brought me through a year of deep internal digging that at times left me deep in despair as I uprooted crystallized trauma that had settled into the bedrock of my identity.

A past Peace Corps Volunteer once advised me that the hardest part of Peace Corps was its uncanny ability to "see yourself and all the things about you that you do not like." Without the normal coping mechanisms (aka distractions) of my former life -- travel, pool parties, brunches, happy hours, constant Netflix binging, and even active church life -- I was left to my own devices to stare into the mirror of my internal life and face the reality that I had a lot of work to do.

Of course, I didn't decide that at first glance. I tried my best, unsuccessfully, to run away from the truth. I ran towards every distraction that I could get my hands on. But even those distractions couldn't cover up the widening hole in my soul that needed to be refilled. With my back against the wall, or, more accurately, on my bed as I soaked myself in tears that I honestly thought would never stop, I began to imagine what my life could be like if I was truly whole.

That's when I picked up my shovel and began digging, preparing the way for living water to replace my arid existence.

I have learned new, life-changing things about who I am and who I am becoming. I also began to unearth and discard identities of who I am not and who I will never be. If there is anything that being 30 has revealed, it is that life is so much lighter when I stop carrying around false narratives about my identity. So I have begun not just "living in my truth", but telling the truth about who I am without hesitation.

So here's the truth:

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I am fully known and loved and accepted.
I am Black, Woman, and Beautiful #atthesamedamntime.
I have a sound mind.
I am equipped with gifts and talents that will be used to support others.
I am healthy and I love my body just as it is, right now.
I have a purpose that goes beyond my own limited lifespan.
I am a part of a beautiful legacy that I will carry forward.
I am a really good dancer!
I have an abundant life.
I have the peace of God.

By the way, I didn't just learn to believe and accept these truths about myself two weeks ago.

In the season of what feels like isolation, you will feel the temptation to flee. You may try running for a while, but soon you'll find that your legs have atrophied and you will hit the ground. At that moment, it is very easy to point to the circumstances and people who may have caused you to collapse. I know I did. But if you allow the challenges that come your way to be the catalyst to strengthen your resolve and find wholeness, you will begin to shine even in the darkest of places.

I needed help to get started, and you might too. Don't be ashamed! Take heart, be of good courage, ask for someone and get free! You might feel isolated, but you don't have to be alone. I've had a team of praying family, encouraging friends and access to a good counselor helping me along the way.

I named this blog "Pack Light, Be Light" to remind myself from the moment I left the US for Ecuador, the focal point of this mission was to find ways to release burdens and be a light of hope to people around me through my service work. What I hadn't realized at the time was that some of that cultivated hope was meant to shine directly into my own life.

I began this new decade of life surrounded by friends and family who all noticed different ways in which the impact that my time in Ecuador has transformed me. It's not just better than 25, this moment of freedom is better than anything that I have ever felt my entire life.

"Me mostrará la senda de la vida;

En tu presencia hay plenitud de gozo,

Delicias a tu diestra para siempre."

--Salmos 16:11 (RVR1960)

In other words: my 30's glow-up is real.

☼