I Am Worthy.
In loving others, I have never been known to step down from a challenge. I give all of myself to the people I want to be around, and to the cause of winning others over. Yes, I am a "WOO" girl. But I find that I spend more of my time thinking about winning over people who couldn't care less than just showing love to the people who are right in front of me, giving me space and investing in our connection. I am selling my story short to people who have not earned the right to hear it; I am dismissing the ones by who I am already beloved in a vain attempt to win the affections of those who would rather pull their hangnails past their knuckles than listen to me utter another word. I see it in their eyes, their body language, their unanswered texts, their need to get away quickly. Unfortunately, I am still trying to get myself to stop, in the name of love, before I break my heart, again.
It is no wonder, then, that I constantly struggle with a sense of worthiness and an overwhelming sense of shame -- I have placed the measuring stick in the hands of those folks and in turn have given them great power to wield over my self-esteem. I wonder why I am such a glutton for relational punishment. "SNAP OUT OF IT ARIELLE!" is something I tell myself just about every day. This is no way to live, folks.
This is a matter of worthiness and self-compassion, two words that I am starting to unlock in my own life. It's more than just a "glow-up": worthiness and self-compassion work in-tandem to provide a framework for how I see myself. This also helps me establish the boundaries I need to make sure others do not have the power to devalue my personhood. Self-compassion is a new practice I have developed over the past few months that has taught me to balance my emotions and actions with the constant truth that I am a human, and I do human things. Pretty novel concept, huh?
I used to see self-compassion as making excuses for mistakes, mistakes that could have been avoided. And I was raised on a healthy portion of "excuses are for the weak", so I decided self-compassion wasn't for me. If I was feeling pain from a mistake, I deserved every bit of it. But in reality, I was just opening the door for shame to consume me whole. And, well, it did.
W is for Worthy. (Ayampe, Manabí)
Today, I try my best to envision self-compassion as a picture of unconditional love for who I am: right here, right now. It is out of this vision that my message of body-positivity flows, a concept that I am trying to instill in the men & women I work with weekly. At the end of each workout I teach, I usually add on a phrase in Spanish that says: I love myself, just as I am, in this moment... because I am a beautiful human and I am worthy. Sometimes I just say "I'm sexy and I know it!", which gets them laughing (with me or at me, I'm not quite sure... lol).
We all have imperfect bodies, imperfect health, imperfect words, imperfect days, imperfect work, and yet... still worth every bit of the greatest love, joy, peace, admiration and acceptance that being in this life brings.
Those who cannot see my worth do not get to be a part of my life story, so instead of spinning my wheels endlessly to prove my worth to them, I must learn instead to share myself with those who choose to see and embrace me fully as I grow into an even more imperfect yet wholehearted woman every day.
I am worthy. So, are you.