Restorative Justice: Grace to Give
This was originally written for by my fellow PCV's Blog: Nourish Your Nurture
I was never so easily offended. Maybe it’s the new career in a new continent, country, community, and culture that’s got me consistently on the cliff of conflict. Maybe it’s Maybeline. Maybe I used too much alliteration in one sentence. Maybe you’re judging. Maybe you should back off. Oops, I’m offended again. (No Britney)
Still, we live in a time where leaders make comments for shock value, and notoriety is only given to those whose words pack a punch. Even I have given into defining my worth through trading the social currency of wit through shade-throwing subject-verb agreements. Because what better way to shake the haters off than with a fire Facebook reply that showcases my anger at its hottest setting?
There’s something that rises up in me saying: “I HAVE TO MAKE A STATEMENT BEFORE THEY MAKE ONE AT ME! That’ll show them.” And when I hit that send button, there’s no going back. If I regret it, I can delete it and hope they hadn’t seen any of it, but the reality is that I’ve already allowed my deep offense to respond sans-grace. This is not a far-fetched scenario, because I’ve done it. Recently.
I’m Arielle, and I’m sensitive about my… well, you get the point.
Since moving to Ecuador, I have been living with host families, a new life experience that has abraded my offense-levels to bare minimum. I get mad at everything! Someone walks into my room without knocking? FIRE. Someone throws shade on my American-style cooking skills? I SEE RED. I get locked out of the gate at night even though it is common knowledge it’s the only door I haven’t yet received a key? HOT.
Thankfully, I still don’t have the language level to accurately throw shock-value shade en español. But as a result, my thought life has spiraled downward over the past 6 months. Negative reactions have taken the space of setting my mind on things above and has corroded my resilience. I am not the poster child for kindness because my heart was feeling rotted, leaving me with an angry disposition.
Sometimes, I'm knucking, and bucking, and ready to fight.
Grace was on life support, and God began emergency surgery to get my soul pumping unmerited favor through my veins. For me, that meant going through my first challenge: being sick. Like every person I know and love… I hate being sick! But for the past two weeks, I have been forced to lay low, respond slow & allow God to reveal the lifestyle changes I needed to take on… including drinking more Vitamin C.
A few weeks ago, on the Truth’s Table podcast, Lecrae, a prominent rap artist who also is a Christian, talked about his new album, “All Things Work Together.” When asked at the end of the show what final word he would like to leave the listening audience with, after talking about some of his challenges in our current society as a black, Christian & hip-hop artist… he said “Grace, grace, & more grace.”
*RECORD SCRATCH*
I bristled. Grace? WHY LECRAE? Those people that offended you don’t deserve grace! They deserve to be put on blast!
Lecrae, as if he heard me thinking out loud in real time, responded:
“Reserve the right to be wrong…Your identity is not wrapped up in how right you get or how perfect you can posture yourself, but your identity is wrapped up in the Lord Jesus Christ… Rest in that reality.”
At the time I heard those words back in September, I didn’t receive them because I was just so hard-hearted, mad at everyone who had offended me… online and in-person. I had resolved that as soon as I could, I was moving out on my own, deleting folks off my social media accounts and giving everyone a cold shoulder.
Then October came and I went into the spiritual operating room. I was able to seek counseling to talk through why my thought life was just so negative (mental health matters!), and work on ways to rebuild my mind with a positive perspective. So when I got sick the following week, I was frustrated, but I decided to look for the silver lining. I found it when my host family rallied around me, giving me all kinds of advice on how to get better and encouraging me to go see a doctor about what was keeping me up all night coughing without reprieve.
One night, my host mom heard me coughing up a storm and started lathering my neck with menthol (a Latin American/Caribbean staple), which reminded me of the times my own mother and grandmother would do the same. And I realized that even though I had been a complete jerk to everyone in the house, here she was, giving me more grace. Ooh, I was convicted in that moment! But thank God that conviction is immediately followed by forgiveness when we repent.
I asked God in that moment to give me grace to give.
Though I am still in recovery mode, I did finally go to the doctor and get the proper diagnosis and medication I needed. I am feeling way better than I did a week ago. But most importantly, I am reminded that I cannot give grace on my own. Without the power of God working in my life, I am a total jerk, always looking to get even. But with the example of Christ’s grace on the cross where he died for my sins, I have access to that same power to return offense with favor.
So perhaps I’ve always been easily offended… but instead of allowing those offenses to stoke a fire of anger in my heart, I can remind myself that anyone seeking to disparage me is a human just like me, and sometimes we are all in need of a break. Yes, easier said than done… but as a Christian, it’s the standard!
