Fluency Ain't Fair.

Learning a new language in adulthood is painful. And I do mean that literally. My brain is in overdrive all waking hours of my day:

hear.
listen.
translate.
understand.
process.
mentally respond.
translate.
communicate.
start back at 1 *Brian McKnight Voice*

=>All of which must be done for every sentence of every day.

**NOTE: Next time you encounter someone who has a dominant language different than the one they are using to talk to you, please remember this and give them some grace. Because it’s hard in these bilingual streets.

I have told many people that the vision I get is what I call “The Mountain of Fluency” that I have yet to see the other side. It’s literally an uphill battle. I chose something like Mt. Kilimanjaro in Tanzania because it’s one of my #lifegoals to summit. See, I have been speaking informal spanglish since I was like 3/4 years old, but it was just saludos and only with my grandmother. I started taking formal Spanish at age 11. After college, I completely stopped challenging myself to fluency, because I had selfishly learned enough to get around on vacation.

& That mountain wasn't worth climbing. I got lazy.

Eventually the desire (and quarter-life epiphany) to serve abroad collided with the identity crisis of being black with latin roots willed me to action. It was time to start climbing. Because, as most latinxs know and many continue to perpetuate, “latinidad” is inextricably linked to spanish fluency & as a result I have never been latina enough -- though with my dark skin and afro, I am learning I might never be, and that’s another story for another blogpost folks! The mountain in my identity’s periphery came more into focus and right in front of me. I began my ascent.

CLIMBING HAS BEEN HELL (okay not literally, biblical scholars). It has undone any pride I had about knowing any spanish ever. “Sit down, be humble” has become my life’s motto, thanks Kendrick. I’m planning on dressing up as the subjunctive tense for Halloween. Because, Boo.

Every week, thanks to the Peace Corps, I have Skype sessions with my spanish professor who lives in Quito. She has been trying to get me to speak in paragraphs more than short sentences, especially while using the subjunctive tense. I’m not even going to go into the explanation of what it means... but it’s been my biggest challenge yet. To keep from crying, I’ve decided to document this moment on my blog. Writing as Therapy.

I sincerely hope that in the near future I won’t hate the subjunctive form as I do right here, right now. Because... AY DIOS MIO!!

Fluency is a long winding dirt trail on the side of a mountain. Sometimes I take a misstep on the hard days. Sometimes it feels embarrassing when I can’t form a complete sentence or understand anyone at work. Today was one of those days. I need a moment to regroup.

I’m at a plateau for the evening, ready to rest my brain and build up the drive to get up and climb again in the morning. But first: Bailoterapia!